Saying What Needs to be Said
by Catherine4
Summary: Will Carter be able to tell Abby how he feels before it's too late? *15th Chapter up now* Sorry it's been so long!
1. Remembering

Finally. If I see one more screaming little kid or drunken teenager looking to pick a fight with anything that moves, I swear... That thought was abruptly cut short by a young boy emerging out of the ER and hurtling past Carter on a skateboard right into the path of an incoming ambulance about to park in the bay.  
  
"Hey, hey" Carter reached out and stuck an arm out just in time to keep the boy form crashing into a gurney "We have enough patients in here already without you adding to them." He bent down to check on the boy. "You OK?"  
  
The young child, perhaps about seven or eight, nodded sheepishly and tugged at the sleeve of his sweater nervously.  
  
"Frank!" Carter yelled into the building. He didn't hear him. John rolled his eyes and sighed. "FRANK!" The guy sitting behind the desk put down his magazine and took another bite of his doughnut and ambled out of the building to see where his services were required. "Take care of this little guy for me, I'm off home".  
  
He walked away from the two standing by the sliding doors and just about heard the boy shouting something back about him being big for his age but to be truthful, Carter was to exhausted from his shift and concentrating too hard on just getting home, to listen to what the boy had to say or to care very much that he didn't hear.  
  
He rounded the corner onto a busy street and hailed a taxi. He tiredly got in and slumped into the back seat and spent most of the ride home desperately trying not to fall asleep. He got back to his apartment and fumbled for his keys in his jacket pocket. He fell through the door and flicked on the light switch. "Damn it!" he cursed out loud. Power cut. This was all he needed. Carter had to be back at 7 in the morning for his next shift, but before he had much time to complain that the power was out, he collapsed onto his sofa and fell asleep.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Help! Jing-Mei Chen felt like screaming. She was standing at the admin desk, arms full of clipboards, desperately trying to calm an irate father whose daughter was in with alcohol poisoning. Being yelled at was all part of the job though and after all the years of working at County, she should have got used to it, but why patients felt the need to kick up a fuss when they knew full well that it wouldn't do any good was beyond her. The man finally got tired of screaming at her and went to find someone else to take his frustrations out on.  
  
"Someone like to give me a hand with these patients?" She called out to no one in particular.  
  
"No can do" Called Abby as she headed out into the parking lot "We've got a trauma coming in."  
  
"Where's Carter?"  
  
Abby turned back to face Chen briefly before continuing down the hallway  
  
"He got off about ten minutes ago."  
  
Chen gave a sigh and flung a clip board at Luka who was emerging out of the crowd of people who were gathered by the admin desk. Luka looked like he was about to protest but decided against it when he saw the look on Chen's face. She ignored him and went off to treat more of Chicago's accident prone population.  
  
Only 4 more hours to go.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter had woken up at two in the morning and dragged himself off the sofa and now lay on his bed in the dark, unable to sleep. The power was still out but he really didn't care. He was exhausted, but not only from the increased work load that had been the result of a flood in the ER of another Chicago hospital, he was mentally exhausted from having to keep his facade of being OK and it completely drained him of all his energy.  
  
It was nearing that day. No one had said anything about it which bothered him slightly. As much as he did not want to be reminded of that dreadful moment two years ago that would haunt him for the rest of his life, he couldn't help feeling bitter that no one remembered.  
  
Carter gave a sigh and shook his head, quickly dismissing that thought. Of course people remember. It's not something you forget in a hurry. Everyone fought long and hard to save his life, for which he would be eternally grateful but in his mind they could have done better. He knew that thought was selfish and he hated himself for thinking it, but he couldn't help how he felt. He missed her.  
  
Valentine's day. For every one else who had not been there on that tragic evening when he lost a friend and nearly lost his life, valentine's day was a time of the year for soppy love letters and Chocolates and flowers for the one you love. For Carter and everyone else at County General's ER, the cards and light-hearted jokes didn't seem to be appropriate anymore.  
  
He felt a warm tear trickle down his cheek and he drifted of into a sleep that was neither peaceful nor deep but he had got to the point where keeping his eyes open would only remind him of one fact: He was here and she wasn't. 


	2. Working Through the Pain

Abby woke up the next morning to the same thing she woke up to every single morning since she had moved out of Luka's and she was getting sick of it. The couple upstairs were having a fight. Again. It must be more serious this time as the yelling had risen a few decibels since yesterday. She groaned and rolled over to look at the clock. 7:30. She didn't have to be at work for another hour but with those two trying for the world record for the longest argument ever, it would be virtually impossible to go back to sleep.  
  
She crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom. She showered, dried and dressed, barely opening her eyes. She had been treating a motor cyclist who had been hit by a lorry well into the early hours of the morning and when she glanced at herself in the mirror she could tell that it had been a long night.  
  
She headed into the kitchen and boiled the kettle and got a mug and a jar of coffee out of the cupboard and fished around for a tea spoon.  
  
Yesterday at work had been strange. Carter didn't seem to be himself. He tried hard to put a smile on for the patients and the staff and it seemed to have worked, either that or everyone was too polite to say anything, but she saw through it, although she couldn't quite figure out what it was that was bothering him so much. She and Carter seemed to have a deep bond between each other, definitely more so than her and Luka, despite the fact that they had never been involved. She cared deeply for him and she got the feeling he felt the same about her but not in a romantic way. At least she didn't think it was romantic feelings of love she had towards him but she felt for him when he was upset and had always known what to say in the past to put his mind at rest. Which is why she felt so frustrated that she couldn't tell what was wrong.  
  
She grabbed her coat off the back of the sofa and finished her last sip of coffee, placing the empty mug down on the counter as she headed for the door still thinking about John.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter found today even harder to cope with than yesterday. As February 14th drew closer and closer, his smile got more laboured and he found it harder to stay strong around the patients and put on a brave face for his co-workers. He wanted to talk to some one about his feelings but everyone seemed too busy and the last thing he wanted was to jeopardise patient care by dragging someone away from their duties.  
  
He was sitting in the staff lounge staring at his empty paper cup which was long since emptied of coffee and was deep in thought.  
  
He was trying to remember the good times he had shared with her. When they had both spent an evening running all over town to find the father of a young girl with a rare blood type and was desperately in need of a transfusion and, of course, when they had shared there first, and only, kiss.  
  
A small smile played across his face when he remembered her first day at work at County. She was so full of life and eager to learn and it was tragic that her life was so violently cut short.  
  
But no matter how hard he tried to think about the good times, he always came back to that life changing moment, for both of them. He remembered the jumble of emotions that he was filled with when the sharp pain of the knife being rammed into his back flooded his whole body; surprise, shock, anger. All of which were doubled when he fell to the floor and saw her frightened face staring back at him, pleading with him to help her. He wished he could have done more. He could have done more. If he had just paid attention to what he was being told about the patient and had just made one phone call to the psyche ward then she would still be here. He wouldn't have had to endure the pain and anguish of the whole event. He knew he was being selfish and he felt guilty but there was nothing he could do to quell those feelings that were bubbling through his surface. He wanted so badly to talk to someone.  
  
Abby was looking at Carter through the small window in the door of the staff lounge. She had just arrived at work and needed to dump her coat in her locker before she started her nine hour shift. She reached out for the handle but hesitated when she saw the upset look on his face. She wanted to help but she didn't want him to think she was being nosy, and she might make everything that was upsetting him even worse if she asked him what was wrong. She was getting quite good at reading his emotions but she could not read minds. Her thoughts were jumbled and she couldn't think straight. He had that effect on her, even if it was just a simple decision like whether to have a Danish pastry or a doughnut. There was a conflict going on inside her over whether to talk to him and put is mind at rest or leave him in peace and give him some space to sort it out on his own.  
  
She finally decided on the latter and walked away from the door to the admit desk to wait until he had vacated the doctors lounge. She didn't want to impose.  
  
"Carter, we need you" came a call from the doorway as Kerry poked her head around the door.  
  
"Be right there" he called back without turning his head.  
  
John chucked his cup into the waste bin as he stood up and prepared to be strong again, having to push all the emotions he was feeling away while he carried on his days work. He was dreading tomorrow. If he felt like this now, imagine what it would be like in 24 hours. He closed the door behind him as he followed Weaver towards resus. He was needed and he would have to put all the thoughts to the back of his mind until he had finished saving a life.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lucy floated along the ghost roads silently and in despair. There were lots of other lost souls floating along all around in similar anguish, all with some undisclosed unfinished business which they alone knew. None of them, including her, could rest in peace until they had carried out the task that was the soul purpose in their unlife.  
  
So far she had not had an opportunity to tell Carter what she had to say but she had been watching. Watching him go on with his life without her and it made her hurt to see him so miserable at the moment. If she had a face, she would imagine it would be pale and exhausted. She felt for him and wanted more than anything to tell him what she really felt for him. Maybe he knew already, maybe he didn't but she would never know how he really felt towards her, all she could do was try and tell him what she needed to so she could finally move on. All she could do was try and that hurt.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter was thinking about her again. He was waiting outside for a hit and run patient to be brought in by the paramedics and he was imagining what it was like to be with her. They bickered loads when they were together and spent half of their time telling each other how annoying they were and how much they drove each other crazy, and the other half deep in serious thought or comforting each other after a particularly hard case. Acting like a couple without being together. Even if hospital policy hadn't of prevented it, he wasn't sure if they would have ever got together.  
  
Back to negative thoughts. He wasn't even sure how he had got back to the upsetting memories but he had. Tomorrow was the day. In 15 hours, he would be a wreck. He was thankful that he had the morning off to compose himself, but visiting Lucy's grave would completely reverse any self control he had gained.  
  
The ambulance pulled up to the automatic doors and Carter went over.  
  
"What have we got?" Carter asked the paramedic as the doors to the vehicle opened.  
  
"We lost him," she answered back.  
  
"I'll call the morgue" he said to her and headed inside.  
  
Someone looking on might think he was being cold hearted and insensitive but in the 8 years that he had worked at County General, he had learnt to put the energy you might waste on grieving the deceased into saving lives.  
  
Back to thinking about her again.  
  
He caught a glimpse of himself in the shiny glass doors and made himself a mental note to get some sleep. He looked tired and emotionally drained, which was exactly how he felt.  
  
"Where are they?" asked Benton as he rushed towards the parking lot, "I was just paged out of a meeting"  
  
"DOA" Carter replied simply and carried on. Benton caught up with him.  
  
"Take a break, Carter" said Peter, "You must feel terrible"  
  
This comment surprised Carter a little. No one had yet mentioned anything relating to the stabbing and he was relived now that someone had. He knew that Benton remembered the incident and was referring to it now and not just making an offhand comment about the way Carter looked. He had, after all, saved Johns life.  
  
Carter took Benton's advice and sat down in the staff room a few minutes later. He was wiping his forehead with his coat, trying with all his strength to stop himself from loosing it. He sat up straight and turned his head around, searching for something to take his mind off her. He saw her old locker and burst into tears, letting all his emotions run free.  
  
Abby had followed John towards the staff room and found herself standing at the window again, watching him. She had to go in this time and ask what was wrong, she couldn't bear to see him upset.  
  
He turned his head around to face her and she could see the emotion on his red, tear streaked face pleading for her help.  
  
"Carter?" she asked shyly as she stepped through the door way and walked towards him, "what's wrong?"  
  
He could barely talk through his tears but he lifted his head out of his lap and managed to utter a single word.  
  
"Lucy."  
  
That name meant everything and she instantly realised what was wrong and cursed herself for not remembering. She sat down beside him on the old, grey padded seats and just stayed there, hugging him. They didn't need words. Her just being there with him made all the difference. He rested his head on her shoulder and they just stayed there for what seemed like hours. 


	3. Pouring out your Heart

Abby lead the way into her apartment and slung her coat onto the hooks by the door and gestured for Carter to follow. She sat down on the sofa and moved a pile of magazines onto the coffee table to make way for him to sit down.  
  
Carter still was not himself. After their shift, they had walked back to Abby's apartment. He did not say anything on the whole journey back and she hated the way he was acting because his moods rubbed of on her. When he felt bad, so did she and right now, she felt awful.  
  
How could she have not remembered? She had found the knife, for Gods sake. Only an idiot would forget a co-worker being murdered and a very close friend almost loosing his life.  
  
She had remembered when Paul Sobriki had been brought into the ER again, and had tried so hard to keep Carter from seeing his would-be murderer. Her efforts were not good enough, though and she was not sure how he felt about her trying to hide it and didn't know if he wished she had just said something.  
  
There was a lot they didn't know about each other. Abby wanted to learn all there was to know about the man that had always been there for her. He had always been there to help her, without ever asking for anything in return. He had driven halfway across the country to help her bring her mother back home and had been there to listen to all her problems. From big things like that to simple things like helping her to replace Luka's fish tank when she had accidentally smashed it while moving out. It was like instinct. whenever she needed help or someone to talk to, she automatically went to Carter and she had not once got the feeling that he was not willing to comfort and reassure her.  
  
They both sat there in a silence that would have been awkward if it had been anyone else but the pair were totally comfortable with each other.  
  
Abby finally spoke.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
John sat there for awhile longer, not sure what to say. He did want to talk about it, but he had so much he wanted to say that he was not sure where to begin.  
  
"It's all my fault." He told her quietly, without shifting his gaze from the ornament on the bookshelf that he was concentrating on to stop himself from crying  
  
That seemed like as good a point as any to start from.  
  
"Why is it your fault?" Abby replied, "you couldn't have known what was going to happen, you couldn't keep your eye on her all the time."  
  
Carter took this in. He knew it was true but he was playing the event over and over in his head, every time thinking of different ways he could have saved her.  
  
"Just one phone call!" he yelled and stood up, walking towards the kitchen, needing to compose himself.  
  
He was angry at himself, no one else and at that moment, hated himself for taking his frustration out on Abby. He was sure she understood and would not take his outburst personally but he still apologised. He did not want to push away the one person he cared about.  
  
He took a deep breath and strode back to the living room.  
  
"I could have saved her. Just one phone call to the psyche ward and he would have been properly restrained. I was too caught up in my own patients to listen to her."  
  
"What do you mean?" Abby replied, caught slightly off guard.  
  
"She kept trying to tell me that he was schizophrenic but I kept dismissing it, saying that it was nothing to worry about. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME HE KILLED, IT WAS MY FAULT!"  
  
John broke down into tears. He wanted to be completely open with Abby but he felt stupid that he was crying his eyes out in front of her  
  
Abby watched him for a few minutes, not entirely sure what to say to put his mind at rest, if it was possible. It was true that Lucy was his responsibility at the time and he should have been supervising her but she also knew that he had had faith in her to make her own decisions and you had to let med. students do some things for themselves or they would not learn anything knew. Besides, there were other patients to care for and new ones coming in all the time so he was trying the best he could to set his priorities straight and he believed in Lucy's ability to handle the patient.  
  
She thought about telling Carter what she was thinking but decided that it wouldn't do any good as he would only deny it so she picked up a box of tissues from the coffee table and walked slowly over to where Carter was crouched on the floor over the other side of the room.  
  
She handed him the box and smiled at him. Carter lifted his head and half heartily smiled back, sitting down on the floor. She followed and they both stayed there with they're backs against the wall, ready to comfort one another if it was needed.  
  
Another example of their deep bond. Carter was the main reason she had split up with Luka. He had suspected for a long time that She and Carter had feelings for each other and that were true, but the fact that he couldn't tell that it was only friendship let jealousy get in the way of their relationship and they could've worked things out. Abby was not sure, however that she wanted to work things out with a man that did not trust her to stay faithful.  
  
She remembered that time on the roof when Carter had told her he loved her. She wanted to say it back to him but she was involved with Luka then and wasn't sure what she felt. She used to think that the fact that she was seeing someone was the only factor that had stopped her from saying it back, but now that she was single, there was still some unseen force stopping her from telling the man she loved what she needed to say. She had a hidden suspicion that it was that she didn't want to spoil their friendship. He had told her that he didn't want friendship, that he wanted more, but had still continued to be a friend to her, even though, she was sure, she had hurt him deeply by not reciprocating his feelings.  
  
So they stayed there, in silence, like they had done back at the hospital, until he went home. He just stood up, gave her a kiss on the cheek to say 'thank you' and left the apartment.  
  
Some one else, if they were Abby, might have been offended that he had not said anything but she understood that he didn't mean anything by it and just wanted to go home.  
  
Abby stood up when John had left and went into the kitchen to make herself a coffee. She hoped she had made him feel better and she felt she had, but she scolded herself for not saying all the things he said to her that evening on the roof. 


	4. Trying to Make Amends

Carter was heading to work after staying at Abby's 'til late. That talk last night had really helped. He still missed Lucy, of course, but he was no longer bottling up his feelings.  
  
He was rushing down the cold, busy street, trying to keep from slipping over on the icy sidewalk or from knocking over any unsuspecting passers by. He was late for his shift. Weaver was going to kill him!  
  
He had hoped to wake up early and gone to visit Lucy before work, but there was a power cut. Another one, and his alarm hadn't gone off. He was three quarters of an hour late.  
  
"Hey, Wanna ride?" came a familiar voice as a car pulled up to the curb beside him. It was Susan Lewis.  
  
"Thanks," he said and walked around the car and climbed into the passenger seat, trying to avoid the traffic.  
  
"I thought your shift started at ten?" she asked as she pulled out into the road, looking at him questionably.  
  
"It did" he replied "power cut."  
  
Carter and Susan had only recently split up after a brief, some what strange romance. There was no bitterness though. She just simply figured out that he liked Abby and didn't want to stand in the way. That's what he liked about her. She was not selfish and had even moved half way across the country to be with her niece. Before she left she had been with Mark Green. It had not even occurred to Carter that he liked her in that way. Even when she came back only a short time ago, he still didn't have feelings for her. It was kind of just a spur of the moment thing.  
  
Susan was right, hid did like Abby. He loved Abby. He had even told her that but she either was too shy to say it back or didn't feel the same way about him. True, she was going out with Luka at the time but he was a prick! Though he was bound to think that. He hurt the one person he cared about more than anything.  
  
The car drove into the County general parking lot and the pair headed into the ER.  
  
"You wanna turn the thermostat up, Frank?" yelled Susan as they both entered the building and headed towards the locker room.  
  
"Randi's working on it" he called back.  
  
"Carter" Called an angry voice from beside him.  
  
Damn it!  
  
Kerry was coming out of exam 2 and caught him before he could get to the relative safety of the lounge.  
  
"Good luck with the bitch from hell" Susan whispered under her breath as she escaped the wrath of Dr. Weaver: everyone's worst night mare.  
  
"Where the hell have you been?" She fumed  
  
Carter gulped and turned to face her.  
  
"There was a power cut" he replied, trying his best not to make her even more angry than she was already  
  
"So call the super, and buy a manual alarm clock."  
  
"Will do" said Carter as he went through the door and stuffed his jacket into his locker and got out his stethoscope and ID badge.  
  
He was worried again. All the fear and dread about today that disappeared when he had talked with Abby had returned now that he was back at the hospital, the place that it all happened. He was nervous about today. He didn't want to put anyone's life in danger because his mind was on other things, but he had to work through it and concentrate the best he could.  
  
"Has is been this quiet all morning?" he said, putting on his 'I'm fine' face and trying not to let his emotion get the better of him.  
  
"Yep" said Mark as he grabbed a chart from the rack and got back to work, "It's too damn cold for them to come out"  
  
"It's all right for some" Carter called back, "they've got a choice in the matter."  
  
He wished he had a choice in the matter. He would've rather not come to work today and he hated lying about being OK. On the other hand, it would be better for him to be working and having something to keep his mind off the day than sitting at home, depressed and alone. He had been in that situation before. The whole event is what triggered his narcotics addiction in the first place and he didn't want to let himself be alone so he could relapse. Again. He had only slipped up once since he started the rehab programme. He didn't want it to happen twice.  
  
"Dr. Carter?" Chuny was standing beside him, calling his name. "Are you all right? You were completely out of it."  
  
He snapped back to reality and saw the nurse's concerned face looking back at him.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, fine" he replied slightly dazed, "do you need me somewhere?"  
  
"No, I was just worried. You shouldn't be working too hard. Especially not today."  
  
The second person that had been brave enough to say something.  
  
"If you need someone to talk to, feel free to come and find me"  
  
"Thanks, but really, I'm fine"  
  
He was touched that she had offered to help but he had poured his heart out to Abby yesterday and he was afraid that if he started talking about it again, he would once again become the blubbering wreck he was before. The best thing would be to forget about it until his shift was over then he could let all his emotions flood out when he visits Lucy's grave.  
  
He took a deep breath to compose himself then carried on with treating the patients  
  
"Laura Benson?" He called out into the waiting area.  
  
He was greeted by a young girl, about five years old, with her arm in a makeshift sling.  
  
"Hey there" he said "What did you do to that arm?"  
  
"I fell out of a tree" she replied, simply, not sounding at all worried.  
  
"She will be OK, won't she doctor?", an anxious sounding woman said from behind, "I keep telling her to stop following her brother up that tree."  
  
"She'll be fine" Carter replied, reassuringly, "I'll have to get an x-ray but I predict that it's just a clean break. We'll have you in plaster and out of here in no time."  
  
"Will my friends be able to write on it?" asked the little girl, expectantly  
  
"Sure"  
  
Dealing with that patient wasn't bad, he thought. But he knew his emotions were hanging by a very loose thread and it would only take one minor event for him to loose his cool  
  
He told them to wait a while and went to the desk and ordered an x-ray and fetched one of the nurses to take care of the girl and her over anxious mother.  
  
"Young Woman, mid 20's, stab wound to the lower abdomen"  
  
Carter caught the tail end of the paramedic's call over the radio system as he finished the phone call.  
  
"ETA?" Asked Corday, who was already gathering nurses and alerting everyone to what was happening  
  
"6 minutes"  
  
"I'll take it" Carter told Elizabeth and hurried towards the ambulance bay. He knew it was freezing out side and that he'd be waiting there a long time but he wanted to be ready.  
  
Corday turned to face Carter but he was already heading outside. She was going to tell him that it was probably not the best idea for him to take this case, given the circumstances, but it was a bit late.  
  
Today of all days John thought as he waited for the patient. He knew at the back of his mind that it was wrong for him to take this case and that he was doing it for selfish reasons, but he felt that if he could save this young woman, it would somehow make amends for what happened to Lucy and maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty about the part he played in her death. Maybe. 


	5. Coping

Chapter 3  
  
"Order 2 units of O neg.", Carter shouted over the frantic voices and the beeps of the heart monitor in the trauma room, "She's loosing blood by the gallon."  
  
"On it." replied Malik and went over to the phone in the corner of the room to call the blood bank.  
  
"What happened?" Susan asked the paramedic as she desperately tried to keep the young girl alive.  
  
"No one knows" he said back, "She was found unconscious in an ally way, it didn't look like she'd been there long"  
  
"Any ID?"  
  
"Yeah, Michelle Lancaster, 24, a far as we can tell she stayed on the right side of the law. No evident motives for the attack." He paused. "The police are here, wanna talk to her"  
  
"She's hardly up to talking at the moment, is she?" Carter snapped.  
  
His body was pumping with adrenaline, more so than usual, and he knew he had to save this woman. He knew he had to save every patient but it was important for this one to live for more than the obvious reason.  
  
"Damn it!" Chen yelled, "She's crashing"  
  
That brought Carter back to the real world and he leapt into action.  
  
"Shock her." He reached for the defib. machine and tried to stay focused, but this situation was just getting too familiar for him to cope with. Still, the only thing that mattered right now was saving this woman's life.  
  
"Charging 360, clear"  
  
Then the split second of silence when the beeping of the heart monitor stops momentarily and everyone in the trauma room holds their breath, waiting to see if the patient will live or die, if their actions had been successful.  
  
No such luck. The continuous drone of the machine echoed round the room and the entire staff working on the patient resumed their efforts.  
  
"Charging again", yelled Carter, getting more frantic, with every time he had to shock her. "Clear".  
  
The young woman's heart jump started back into action and everyone let out a sigh of relief.  
  
Carter was relived, of course, but the fact that she hadn't died yet wasn't helping the imagery that was forming in his thoughts. It was all too real. Even though he had not actually been treating Lucy (of course he wasn't, he was lying unconscious bleeding to death), he had imagined over and over what it must have been like for the people he worked with who were fighting to save both they're lives.  
  
I have to concentrate, he though to himself. I can't afford to let my mind wander. He was not paying enough attention to the patient.  
  
"Carter. Concentrate" Susan yelled  
  
"Give me 10 cc's of... umm...". Carter couldn't get the words out. He knew n his head what he needed to order but all the medical knowledge in the world wouldn't help him order the drugs or treat the patient. His thoughts were a jumble and he couldn't tell one from another. Seeing the young woman's face, pale and smeared with blood and threads of her long blond hair sprayed over her face just reminded him too much of the moment when he had seen Lucy lying nearly unconscious on the floor.  
  
"Chen, would you order the drugs?". He was subdued and couldn't keep his mind on the task.  
  
"I... I can't do this..." he said urgently and ran out of trauma. He stepped through the door and leaned against the wall outside, drained and full of emotion, leaving the staff inside wondering what the sudden outburst was about.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hey"  
  
Carter lifted his head out of his lap in response to the familiar British accent. "Hey".  
  
"I thought you might want this."  
  
Elizabeth Corday handed him a cup of coffee and sat down on the bed next to him in exam 3.  
  
"Susan said you walked out of trauma, are you OK?"  
  
Carter thought for a moment. He was not sure how to respond to that. "I thought I could handle it", he said finally. "I should have realised that I would be too emotional to do my job properly."  
  
Corday's voice took on a more serious tone. "You shouldn't have taken that case, John. You risked that patient's life."  
  
Carter was filled with remorse. The last thing he wanted to do was put someone's life in jeopardy. He was just being selfish.  
  
"I know... I...". His words were stuck in his throat again, just like they had been in trauma. He fought hard to hold back the tears. "I thought it would make me feel less..." he searched through his head for the right word. "Less... Responsible."  
  
The English woman sitting beside him turned her head and regarded him for a moment.  
  
"This is where it all happened, you know" he began.  
  
"John, don't do this to yourself."  
  
"I should have noticed her" he said, getting more and more choked up. "When I walked in this room, I didn't see he lying on the floor."  
  
"You couldn't have known."  
  
"I should have realised she was missing. She was my responsibility."  
  
Elizabeth raised her voice slightly to try and get through to the young doctor. She couldn't let him believe that he was responsible for Lucy's death.  
  
"No. It's not your fault. A man named Paul Sobriki killed Lucy, not you."  
  
Dr Corday was beginning to get upset herself now. She had been there on that night and, while she couldn't completely understand how John was feeling, all the terrible memories she had herself of the young med. student's death were flooding back to her now as she watched Dr. Carter sit on the bed staring, through his tears, at the spot on the tiled floor where Dr. Knight began to loose her life.  
  
She had to call the time of death, 2:56. She would remember that always. She would remember the frustration and failure that she had felt when she realised that nothing else could be done. It all had seemed so surreal. It felt like just another patient. She was upset when any of her patients died but it didn't sink in for a long while that it was one of they're own that lay lifeless on that table.  
  
"I'm needed in surgery", Elizabeth said finally, after the beep of her pager echoed around the otherwise silent room.  
  
Carter looked up briefly and gave a nod and Corday stood up and left the room, still worried about the young man who was, quite clearly, not coping with the whole experience as well as she imagined he would want to. 


	6. Final Request

John would come to visit her grave this evening. Now would be Lucy's change to finally say what needed to be said. Two whole years of waiting in agony to communicate with him, not entirely sure what she was going to say, now was the time. She was desperate to just talk to him.  
  
She wanted him to be happy. After all this time that she had been watching him, she had finally decided what would make him happy. Abby.  
  
I had to work. It just had to. IT would be difficult to communicate with him but she had to try. Even though it was the best time for Lucy's spirit to establish the link to the living world, when John is most likely to be thinking of her, it still may not work. And even if it did it would only be a very brief encounter.  
  
She had to tell him what he should do. Until she made him realise what she was sure he already knew, neither one of them would be able to move on.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter walked down the cold, windy street, wrapped up tight in his overcoat and scarf, heading for the cemetery.  
  
Mark Greene had given him the rest of his shift off. After the incident in the trauma room, he felt that Carter couldn't fully concentrate on his work.  
  
He was right.  
  
John go to the crossing and heard laughter coming out of the bar nearby. If only he felt like that. The healthy thing to do would be to celebrate Lucy's life, not mourn her death but that was easier said than done.  
  
He crossed the road, in between the usual early evening rush of cars. He reached the gate and paused, wondering what he was going to say and almost bottled out of going inside these walls but a sudden memory of her beautiful, distressed face as she lay, bleeding to death on that floor was all he needed to convince him to go in.  
  
He wasn't completely sure what he was going to tell her, or what he hoped this visit would achieve but he had to make his peace and clear his mind.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"OK Mr. Fitzgerald, all done. You're free to leave."  
  
"Thank you Miss."  
  
Abby put the last stitch in the gentleman's hand and walked out of curtain two to tend to the next patient. It was surprisingly quiet in the ER and all the patient that were there were already being seen to. She headed to the admit desk anyway but just leant on the counter and rested her head in her hands.  
  
She was thinking about Carter (no change there then) and the pain he must be feeling at this point in time. Abby had offered to accompany John to the cemetery to visit Lucy but, as much as she wanted to be there for him and comfort him, she knew at the back of her mind that this was something he would have to face on his own.  
  
That fact didn't make her any less anxious or worried.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
John's feelings were in turmoil and he couldn't think straight. He was trying to think, through the sobs, what to tell his dear departed friend.  
  
He stared at the inscription on the tombstone, frantically trying, but not succeeding to open his mind and say something.  
  
He had never felt worse that he did right now.  
  
"I'm sorry", he finally blurted out and collapsed in tears on the wet grass.  
  
Suddenly, a strange sensation filled Carter's tired and emotional body and her heard voice trying to tell him something.  
  
He knew immediately who it was and was filled with an enormous relief that she cared.  
  
"Tell her you love her."  
  
Instinctively, it all became clear.  
  
As quickly as she came, Lucy exited his head.  
  
He didn't have to say anything back. The main thing that had been ripping Carter apart for the last two years was wondering, 'Is she OK?' He didn't have to ask though. The tone of her voice let him know the answer he was hoping for. She was fine.  
  
"I will" he said, getting up off the ground and smiling for the first time in days. He headed back to the hospital to fulfil Lucy's wish.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Relief. That was all she was feeling at the moment. Her deed fulfilled, she could finally rest in peace knowing that the one she loved would be happy. 


	7. In The Thick of Things

"Collapsed warehouse", came the call from the paramedics, just as Carter re- entered the emergency room. "A few major casualties, some people still trapped. We could use a couple of doctors out here as soon as possible."  
  
The ER staff were prepping and getting ready to handle multiple traumas. The whole hospital department had a frantic buzz about it at this point, with everyone running around trying to do their jobs.  
  
This atmosphere was what Carter liked about working in the ER. Much better, he had decided, than surgery. Although he would never say that to Dr. Romano's face!  
  
He was in a much better mood now that he knew Lucy was happy and he had finally figured out his true feelings for Abby. He loved her more than anything. He didn't care about Luka. And it didn't matter if she wasn't completely over him yet. They would find a way to work out they're differences if they were truly meant to be together.  
  
"Carter", Kerry called, "middle-aged male, two broken legs and a fractured pelvis, in respiratory arrest. ETA 10 minutes."  
  
"On it", he called back. He would have to find Abby later.  
  
Kerry was busy trying to organise the staff. She found it quite hard at times like this but that was what being chief of emergency medicine was all about. Now for the doctors to go to the collapse site.  
  
"Dr. Lewis" she said to the blonde haired woman who was standing next to her, "Wanna come with?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Then I'll just..." She didn't get to finish that sentence.  
  
"Dr. Romano's on the phone". Frank held out the receiver.  
  
"I'm busy"  
  
"He sounds pretty pissed off", he warned.  
  
"Tell him where I'm going" she said back, fairly sure that the receptionist was eavesdropping on her conversation.  
  
Frank said something into the phone then turned his attention back to Kerry. "It can't wait."  
  
"Damn it", weaver cursed under her breath, "Susan, you go."  
  
"On my own?"  
  
"Where is everyone?"  
  
Susan thought for a second. "Carter and Chen are in trauma, Mark's in a meeting and Luka's not here yet."  
  
"OK..." she pondered then caught sight of Abby coming out of the bathroom. "Abby!" she yelled, "you went to med. school, right?"  
  
"Yeah." Abby walked over to the desk, unaware of the situation. "I was a 3rd year med. student. Why?"  
  
"Go with Susan" she shouted as she stepped into the elevator.  
  
"Where are we..." she asked Dr. Lewis, still not completely knowing what was going on.  
  
"I'll explain on the way."  
  
They both climbed into the back into an ambulance outside and drove off, sirens blaring.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When Abby and Susan reached the site, they were met by a fire-fighter who filled them in on he situation.  
  
"So, what have we got?" asked Susan as they followed him over all the rubble to the area where most of the injured were gathered.  
  
"Where do I start?" he answered, "Most of them are walking wounded. My colleagues are assessing them. Best you concentrate your efforts on the more major cases." He paused to allow them to catch up. "There's a young woman over there. Quite a deep chest wound but otherwise, no other injuries. She's conscious now but she did pass out so we're taking precautions."  
  
"I'll take care of that" said Susan and headed in the direction he was pointing.  
  
"How do you feel Miss?" she asked when she had made her way through the panicked crowed of people to the woman in question who was lying on a gurney wearing a neck support and being wheeled towards the rig.  
  
"I feel fine", she insisted. "You have to find Billy."  
  
"Billy?"  
  
"My boyfriend. He was right behind me but I couldn't see him." She was getting frantic. "You have to get him out."  
  
"Can you tell me your name?"  
  
"Juliet" said the woman. "Please, you have to find him."  
  
"The fire crew are doing the best they can" she reassured the woman. "He should be out soon."  
  
She left the paramedics to deal with this patient and went on to treat more of the injured.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It had been a struggle, but the patient that DR. Carter had been working on with Chen had finally started breathing on his own. He was now up in theatre having his legs and pelvis seen to.  
  
He was still in a good mood, he just wished he would have had enough time to try and find Abby to tell her what he needed to before she had to rush off. Still, there would be plenty of time for that when she comes back.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Sorry?" Abby had to shout to even hear herself think. She was trying to talk to a man who was right next to her but with the shouting and screaming of the injured and the noise of the cutting machinery, it was hard to hear anything else.  
  
"I'm Terry", the man yelled over the racket, "I think my arm may be broken."  
  
"Go and see the paramedics" she replied and turned her attention to a tall man, maybe in his 40's who was arguing with a fire fighter.  
  
"You have to find her", Abby could hear him sobbing as she approached. "You have to rescue my baby!"  
  
"What's the problem?" she asked the fire fighter.  
  
"You a doctor?"  
  
"No, a nurse", she said cautiously, I was a 3rd year but I never graduated." The paramedic raised an eyebrow. "I couldn't pay my tuition."  
  
He nodded in response and turned back to the man, who was getting more hysterical every second.  
  
"Where is your daughter?" he asked.  
  
"In there!" he yelled, turning his anxiety into anger and pointing towards the warehouse that was looking more unsteady than ever.  
  
"I assure you sir, every one has been evacuated. There is no one left inside."  
  
"Then where the hell is my child!"  
  
Abby was already searching the area for signs of the little girl's whereabouts but it was very hard to see anything through the clouds of dust that were rising as what was left of the structure began to shake violently.  
  
"Everyone stand back" officials were yelling, desperate to keep everyone from getting injured from the inevitable collapse of the building.  
  
It was at that point Abby saw her. All she could see was a hand poking out from underneath a sheet of corrugated iron.  
  
"She's there", Abby was trying to tell the paramedic near the entrance, desperate to save the child's life.  
  
"Stand back miss!"  
  
It was no use. However much she tried to alert people to the little girl's plight, no one was going to hear her, or, if they did, would not pay her much attention. She would have to try a different approach.  
  
The building shook more violently as she got closer. She had to get this girl out.  
  
Abby looked around frantically for an escape route to get out of the building once she had reached her.  
  
"Abby? What's going on?" Susan was standing behind her. She sounded a little annoyed and very worried, fearing what was going through her friend's mind.  
  
Susan heard the man shouting for his daughter, saw the look on Abby's face and realised that what she feared was true.  
  
"Oh no", she warned. "You are not going in there. I'm supposed to be supervising you. Weaver will kill us both."  
  
"You'd rather a young child gets flattened then, would you?" she replied sarcastically. Abby was getting very angry now. This girl had to be saved. She couldn't believe that Susan was acting like this. Even though she knew at the back of her mind that she was risking her own life, she felt that, deep down, it was the right thing to do.  
  
"Screw that", Abby said and disappeared out of sight into the dust.  
  
"Come back!" Susan yelled after her.  
  
Just then there was an almighty crack.  
  
"What the hell?" Susan turned her attention to the roof where the building was slowly starting to fall to pieces. Beams and metal sheets came crashing down.  
  
"Abby?" she called in, trying desperately to get her out of there.  
  
No answer. No one could hear anything over the deafening screams and crashes as the whole structure just fell to the ground and Abby, and the girl she was trying to help, disappeared underneath the rubble. 


	8. Touch and Go

"Oh God." Abby groaned in pain and struggled to haul herself up to see what was going on. She looked around and saw only the remains of what used to be the warehouse that she was trying to rescue people from only 5 minutes ago. Now she was the one that needed rescuing.  
  
She could faintly hear muffled voices and the machinery trying to move the debris out of the way to reach the injured.. She was one of them. Abby suddenly realised that she couldn't feel below her waist. She looked down and saw a big beam lying across her legs. At least she was conscious. That's always a good sign.  
  
Then she heard another voice. This one was closer. A panicked cry came from a pile of rubble to her right and she saw the child's hand move and reach out desperately for some comfort.  
  
Abby leaned over, trying to free the little girl. She started to remove the rubble off of the frightened child. She cleared it away from the girl's face and saw her anxious eye's staring back.  
  
"Where's Daddy?" she cried. The girl, about 5 or 6, was getting even more panicked and began to scream.  
  
"Shh." Abby did her best to reassure the child but she had to admit that she had never been that good with kids. "Sweetie, are you hurt?"  
  
"I want my Daddy!" she wailed, understandably distressed.  
  
"I know but you have to listen to me. I'm a nurse, I can help you. Can you tell me your name?"  
  
"Katie", she said and continued to cry.  
  
Now Abby was starting to get scared. The feeling was coming back to her legs and the intense pain was unbearable but she had to stay calm. If she started to panic, the little girl would just get more worked up and it wouldn't help anyone, least of all them.  
  
"My shoulder hurts", the girl finally sobbed, "I want to get out."  
  
"Can you move?"  
  
"I think so." Abby's calmness was starting to wear off onto the little girl and she was beginning to calm down but the fear was still evident in her timid little voice.  
  
"Listen, honey. My legs are trapped. I can't move. You'll have to come over here so I can check on you, OK?"  
  
Katie nodded cautiously and crawled slowly towards Abby. As she moved her leg from under the rubble, she displaced a beam and another portion of the building collapsed further.  
  
They both let out a shriek as more debris fell to the floor. Fortunately, Katie was closer now and Abby was able to pull her out of harm's way just it time as a large piece of rusty machinery landed just inches from where the girl was lying only seconds before.  
  
The one area around them where Abby could see an exit was now blocked. No way out. They would both have to wait there until they were cut out and God knows how long that would be.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Abby!", Susan was calling into the mess, trying to locate her colleague  
  
She was not the only one yelling. The man was still shouting for his daughter and now most of the fire crew were joining in the search to find the two missing people. Susan had tried to keep her eye on the place where Abby had gone in but when it collapsed again, she lost all knowledge of where they could be.  
  
You stupid cow, she thought but she was not angry at Abby at all. She thought she would be but she probably would have done the same thing.  
  
"Doctor", someone called to her, "Can you have a look at this patient?"  
  
Susan reluctantly left the search and rescue in the hands of the professionals and went back to doing her job, even though she wanted to do anything she could to help.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter was chatting to Malik at the admit desk about the latest basketball game, in the best mood he had been in for weeks. Right. No more excuses. When Abby came back to the hospital he would tell her exactly how he felt, once and for all.  
  
"What's up with you today?" Malik asked. Clearly seeing that Carter's mind was on something other than basketball. "You've had a permanent grin on your face all afternoon!"  
  
"Nothing" he replied, but it was obvious to everyone that something happened to put him in such a good mood. He couldn't them exactly what happened, of course. They would think he was crazy, but he couldn't hide his feelings much longer, and he would have no reason to. Once he told Abby his feelings and he was sure she reciprocated, he wanted to tell everyone about the woman of his dreams.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The child in Abby's arms coughed and whimpered apprehensively as large pieces of building material crashed down, falling precariously close to where the two were lying. Abby did her best to calm the little girl but it was hard to sound convincing when you yourself weren't entirely sure. And children were very good at reading emotions.  
  
Abby herself was feeling like a frightened little child. She wished there was someone here now to comfort and reassure her. She could only think of one person who could do that job efficiently.  
  
In the past, all the times she had needed him, he had been there. Those were not such life of death situations though and it was hardly realistic for her to talk to him now. Where is he now?, she found herself thinking, Does he know where I am? Is he worried?  
  
A large plank of wood crashing down on her shoulder brought her back out of her thoughts and reminded her that she had far more important things to think about right now, other than potential boyfriends. Like surviving to ever see them again.  
  
"Come on", she said quietly to herself, through gritted teeth, willing the paramedics to hurry up and get them out of there.. She could hear them faintly over the din of the falling building. They must be close now. They had to be. She wasn't at all sure how long the two of them could lie there and not be seriously injured by goodness knows what.  
  
"Aaaaaaagh!" Abby let out a surprised groan and looked across at the worried child's face.  
  
Pain.  
  
Then nothing. 


	9. Realisation

"Hey Luka, can you take this guy?" Chen called down the hallway to her co- worker.  
  
"I can't", he called back, "I've got another one coming in. Try Carter."  
  
"He's gone upstairs." Chen sighed and looked around. Someone must be free.  
  
There was an influx of patients coming from the building collapse and the hospital couldn't cope, especially with Susan and Abby gone. There was a crowd of very angry patients with minor injuries milling around the admit area, yelling abuse at the desk clerks and demanding to be seen immediately. They couldn't seem to understand that people were dying, they were just worrying about they're own problems. Everyone was out for themselves.  
  
"Would someone please take this patient!"  
  
"I'm free" said Kerry, who had just stepped out of the elevator, after taking another of the collapse patients up to ICU.  
  
"Uh, Dr. Chen?" Malik called to her from the ambulance outside. "I think this guy's gonna need both of you."  
  
Both doctors went outside to see what all the fuss was about. The guy was lying on the stretcher, screaming, being pushed into the ER by several paramedics covered in blood, frantically trying to stop any more blood from gushing out of a very large wound in his chest. They wheeled the very badly injured man into the trauma room and started to try and stop the intense flow of blood.  
  
"We can take it from here." Weaver called to the two paramedics that hadn't left the room yet.  
  
"No. We're no leaving!" called the female one, insistently. "He's our colleague!"  
  
"He's a paramedic?" Weaver looked across at Chen with wide eyes and then back down at the critical patient lying on the table. His uniform was hardly recognisable, it was covered in blood and dirt.  
  
"You really need to step outside. Gallant, could you?" Chen motioned to the med. student standing opposite her and he lead the way out of the room.  
  
"What happened?" he asked the two people when they got outside.  
  
"I don't know!" The male paramedic told him. "He heard a child crying in the wreckage. We told him not to go in, the warehouse was looking more and more unstable, but he insisted. He said he couldn't leave them in there!"  
  
"Them?" Michael wanted to get to the bottom of what happened if it could help save this guy's life.  
  
"Yeah, this blonde chick said there was someone else in there with the child. A woman I think. A nurse."  
  
Gallant's eye's suddenly flashed with fear. It couldn't be could it?  
  
"What did this woman look like? The blonde one?"  
  
"She was a doctor."  
  
"Oh my God," he said under his breath before apologising to the very confused paramedics and rushing back into the trauma room.  
  
"Dr. Weaver" he yelled, getting very scared for his co-worker's safety. "I need to talk to you."  
  
"Not now!" Kerry yelled back, getting very annoyed that her student had interrupted her, "I'm busy!"  
  
He paused, wondering weather or not to jeopardise the life of a patient that he knew was in danger on a suspicion he had that might not be true. He decided that he had to say something. He stepped further into the room.  
  
"I think Abby may be trapped."  
  
Everyone paused momentarily and stared at him in shock, before Kerry reminded them they had a patient to save and they went back to work. Kerry stepped outside to find out for herself what was going on.  
  
"How do you..." She didn't quite know what to say.  
  
"They said there was a nurse trapped in the rubble." He motioned to the worried paramedics sitting a little way down the hallway. "Apparently she went in to save a kid."  
  
"Oh God! I have to go and talk to them. Go find Carter!"  
  
Gallant rushed towards the elevator and managed to catch it just before the doors closed. He headed up to the intensive care unit, knowing full well why it was Carter that Kerry so desperately wanted to find, and not just any doctor. How was he going break the news to him about what was going on? 


	10. Shattered

Susan stood behind the rescue crew with her hand over her mouth, shaking her head. Abby had been in there too long. Even if she was alive or even conscious, who knows how long this thing could hold. It had already collapsed three times, no one knew when gravity would just bring even more of the already completely destroyed building to the ground.  
  
Despite what her common sense was telling her, she couldn't help feeling that it was her fault. she could have stopped her going in. She was supposed to be supervising her. although at the back of her mind, she had realised in the very short space of time that she had known the nurse that she could be very stubborn and she would've gone in to save that child regardless.  
  
The atmosphere around was quite a bit calmer now. The machinery was still as noisy as ever and the fire crew were still yelling at each other over the din, but most of the patients that had been here before had either been shipped off to hospital or had gone home.  
  
She was back feeling the way she had before, desperately worried for her friend. For a moment, when that paramedic went in, she felt as if it would all be OK, but when the structure collapsed again and he had to be dragged out to go to hospital, she couldn't have felt any worse.  
  
She couldn't, but she knew that Carter could when he found out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Dr. Carter?" Gallant ran into the ICU, frantically calling the doctor's name. Instead of being greeted with the face of the man he was looking for, he was met with the surprised, confused gazes of several nurses and family members.  
  
Michael gave a frustrated sigh and looked up and down the hallway to see if he had just missed him. No such luck. He was no where to be seen.  
  
The med. student glanced at his watch. 6:05 PM. Carter's shift wasn't over yet. Where could he be? He headed back to the elevator to the ground floor, deciding that maybe he had gone back down stairs without him noticing.  
  
"Oi Gallant!" Frank called as he raced past the admit desk after returning to the ER.  
  
"Um... Not now", he replied half-heartedly. He had more important things on his mind.  
  
"Hey all!" Luka greeted as he walked through the double doors. "Reporting for shift!"  
  
"You seen Carter?" Gallant asked him.  
  
Luka looked confused. He tried to read the younger mans expression, but Gallant was too busy glancing up and down the street to look at the doctor.  
  
"Uh, yeah. He told me he was going to the dry cleaners to pick up his suite."  
  
"Oh god, I've got to go and find him."  
  
"Why, what's happened?"  
  
But he didn't have time to answer Luka, all he could think about was telling Carter about Abby before he found out from somewhere else.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Abby? Abby wake up." Katie was very scared now. She didn't know what had just happened but the woman that was trying to help her was not moving. She could hear people outside but she couldn't see anyone moving the stuff off them.  
  
She crawled over to the nurse who was lying unconscious a little way away from her and started to cry and scream when she saw what was wrong. There was blood. Lots of blood. She couldn't quite see where it was coming from but she knew it had to be very bad.  
  
She sat up and tried to find a way to get out. She wanted her Daddy and she didn't want to be trapped in here anymore. And Abby might die. Her arm hurt lots and she was coughing because of all the dust but she had to get out 'cause the building was shaking more and it looked as if it was about to fall down again.  
  
She tried to move a piece of wood out of the way to find a way out but it was quite heavy. Lots of dust was falling from the ceiling and it was very, very noisy. She eventually moved it out the way and saw a bit of light coming through. Katie carried on moving stuff out of the way. Some of it was quite heavy and her arm hurt even more now but even though she didn't know quite what was going on, she knew that Abby might die if she didn't get help soon.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Susan was beyond upset now. She was just staring into space, her eyes unable to focus. It was all her fault. How could she possibly face Carter ever again if anything happened to Abby? She was racked with guilt.  
  
She was sitting by her self on a pile of bricks, quite a way back from the rescue operation that was still going on well into the night, but close enough to know that they had not got Abby or the little girl out safely and she was beginning to doubt if they ever would.  
  
She could hear the fire crew shouting and could hear the clattering of rubble as the got closer and closer to what she believe would be two dead bodies.  
  
She was not the sort of person to give up hope. When she had lost her sister an niece in New York, she had believed, right up until that moment when she knew that they both were safe, that everything was going to be fine.  
  
That was different though. She didn't know where to start looking for them so she could help by looking for them. But she knew exactly where Abby was and she felt so utterly helpless right now because she couldn't do anything to help save her friend.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"At last", he whispered to himself through short, laboured breaths, as he raced up to the glass door of the dinner across the street from the hospital. He had been to the dry cleaners and the shop was closed. He had ran all over trying to find the doctor. He had even called the hospital to see if he had returned but no such luck. Now he found him, having a cup of coffee in a window booth with Lily, who he had heard someone say earlier, was on the night shift.  
  
He was laughing and joking, completely oblivious to the bombshell that was about to hit him, knowing that his true love and dearest friend was lying unconscious under a building.  
  
"Dr. Carter!" he yelled as he burst through the door, "something's happened!"  
  
The whole cafe turned to face him and he walked over to the booth where his colleagues who were staring at him in shock.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter stared wide eyed at the med. student who was standing by their table. There was something in his tone of voice and the panicked look in his eyes that told him what was coming.  
  
"It's Abby isn't it?" His voice was timid and filled with anxiety and worry.  
  
It had to be Abby. He could not think of any other reason why this man would go to such lengths to find him. Carter could tell by how worn out he looked that he had been running around after him for a long time.  
  
The sympathetic nod that was given as a reply confirmed his worst fears.  
  
Carter felt numb. He could not concentrate on anything but Abby. People may have been trying to talk to him, but he could not distinguish actual voices from the frantic, incoherent thoughts that were racing through his mind, desperate for some sort of order to be brought to them.  
  
But Carter couldn't think straight. He just sat there, staring ahead, trying to comprehend what he was being told.  
  
How could this happen? He didn't quite know exactly what was going on but it didn't matter to him how she was in danger, just that she was in danger. How could anyone do this to me? he thought, just when I had finally figured out what I knew all along, that she was the one for me?  
  
He wanted tears to fall, to let people know how he was really feeling but I guess that in his mind, he still didn't believe what he was hearing.  
  
He stood up and picked up his coat, allowing himself to be lead out of the door by Michael and Lily, towards the hospital. He thought of his late night talk with Abby at her apartment, he remembered the feelings they had that they had left unsaid, and then thought of Lucy, and how she had made him feel when she had focused his thoughts and made him see his relationship with Abby clearly for the first time.  
  
His brain suddenly clicked into fighting mode. He headed towards the hospital, quickly turning all his pain and anger into determination. He could feel his body surge with adrenaline and he let all emotions fly away as he concentrated his mind on the task ahead.  
  
He was determined to help Abby, to tell her how he felt. He was not going to let her go without one hell of a fight. His mind was focused on that one task and no one, nothing could deter him from expressing true love to the only woman on this earth that could make him happy.  
  
Not even death. 


	11. A Glimmer of Hope

Chapter 11  
  
"Dr. Lewis?" Susan looked up to see a concerned looking paramedic walking over to where she was sitting.  
  
"Any news?" she asked hopefully, but her hope plummeted to zero when she was met with a regretful head shake.  
  
She put her face back into her hands and tried desperately to hold back the tears.  
  
All she could think about was Carter's face, as he waited in agony for news. She knew how much he cared for her. She had figured it out before he had and she had told him to do something about his feelings but now it was looking like he wouldn't get the chance.  
  
"We're doing everything we can", he told her and walked away again to help in the rescue search, leaving her on the pile of bricks where she had been for the last hour and a half.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Katie had managed to pull herself free from the rubble and was looking around for some one to help her.  
  
She was coughing because of the dust and was in pain from her arm but even though she was only young, she knew that Abby was in trouble and she was the only one who could help her.  
  
She looked around and saw a group of men digging into the building. But they were digging in the wrong place. She had to tell someone where she really was but she knew that the fire fighters would not be able to hear her over the noise of the machines.  
  
Then she saw someone sitting alone. She walked towards them apprehensively at the woman's white coat.  
  
The blonde haired woman turned around, startled, and Katie pulled away nervously and backed away.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Oh my God." Susan looked down and saw two very frightened eyes of a little girl staring up at her pleadingly. "Are you Katie?"  
  
She nodded shyly and started to sob into Susan's lap.  
  
"There's blood!" she managed to cry out between the tears and cried even harder.  
  
"Honey, are you hurt?" Susan was very worried, despite the feeling she had that if Katie was alive, then there was a chance that Abby might be too.  
  
"My arm, but it's not my blood. It's Abby's!"  
  
A sudden wave of nausea and panic swept through Susan's whole body and she tried to calm the frightened little girl, while her brain was working over time to try and figure out what to do next to help Abby.  
  
"They're digging in the wrong place!" She sobbed and pointed to another area of the fallen building where she had just crawled out of.  
  
She picked up the girl and rushed over to the fire engine where, who she assumed was the chief of the fire crew was standing and tried to attract his attention.  
  
"Hey!" she yelled at the top of her voice but the machinery was too loud. She got closer and tapped him urgently on the shoulder. He turned to face her and looked very annoyed until he saw the little girl that Susan was carrying and gave her his full attention.  
  
"Is that...?" he asked in astonishment.  
  
"Yeah" Susan replied quickly, not wanting to waste any precious time that could put Abby's life in further danger. "Your men are digging in the wrong place!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"She's over there!" Susan told him but the noise was so overwhelming that they couldn't hear each other at all. She pointed frantically in the direction that she believed Abby was in and he understood. He rushed over to alert his crew and Susan sat down on the edge of the fire engine and examined the girl.  
  
"Daddy!" she heard her call and looked to her side where a man was rushing towards them.  
  
She smiled for the first time since she had arrived hear and put Katie down and watched as she was swept up off her feet by her obviously loving father and pulled into a hug.  
  
"Is she OK miss?" he asked Susan, concerned.  
  
"Your daughter appears to have a broken arm but she's going to be fine. Go and see that paramedic over there and he will see to her."  
  
Susan smiled again as she watched them walk away but her happiness soon turned back to anxiety when she remembered.  
  
The rescue crew were now searching in the correct place and there was now a glimmer of hope but even if they did find Abby amongst the debris, there was no guarantee that she would come out alive.  
  
She ran over to where everyone was. She was determined to do something if there was even the smallest chance that her help could save Abby's life. She was not going to give up yet. 


	12. Race For Survival

Chapter 12  
  
"Where the hell are they?" Carter muttered, mostly to himself and fought harder to hold back the tears that were rapidly threatening to break down his barrier.  
  
He was sitting outside on a bench, staring at the floor in shock. His brain still couldn't process the information that Abby was in trouble. What was killing him now, more than no knowing, was the thought that he couldn't do anything to help.  
  
The adrenaline rush that he had felt when he had first heard the news had quickly disappeared and he was left with a terrible, numbing feeling that he was trying to fight, but the harder he tried to get rid of it, the more intense it seemed to be getting. and he was feeling a hundred times worse than he had been three days ago when he had being trying to cope with Lucy's death. Now he might have another one to cope with.  
  
He remembered again the shock that he had felt when he had fallen to the ground and seen Lucy's almost lifeless body flopped on the floor. He had seen her frightened face and had prayed to God to give him enough strength to help her. Now he had the strength. But he had no idea what to do with it. He was there when Lucy needed him and he couldn't help, and he wasn't there then when Abby needed him and again he was supposed to wait around while another woman he loved perished.  
  
He bent forwards and put his head in his hands and started to silently sob. He was so happy yesterday and now his whole world was falling apart around him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Dr. Lewis!" a young looking fireman came running over to where Susan was sitting and by the relieved look in his eyes, she knew what he had to say. "We've found your friend."  
  
He held out a hand for her and helped her to her feet. They both scrambled over bricks and rubble to the spot where 15 or so fire men and women had been searching for the past 20 minutes.  
  
Susan's initial relief that they had found Abby quickly disappeared when she saw the way Abby looked. Only her face was uncovered but from the massive cuts and bruises that covered her face and neck, Susan dreaded to think what the rest of her looked like. She was unconscious, and if it wasn't for the slight but steady flow of blood that was trickling across the ground, she would have said she was dead.  
  
Susan covered her mouth with her sweaty hands and stepped back, close to tears. The rescue crew crowded around Abby once again and blocked Susan's view of the patient which she was having a hard time believe was her friend. But to be honest, she didn't really want to see what was going on. She had seen things far worse than the sight she was presented with now but when it was someone you knew, it was somehow very different and far more disturbing.  
  
"Susan?" she heard a familiar voice from behind her and she turned around to see the concerned face of paramedic Doris Pickman standing next to her, a concerned look etched across her face.  
  
"I just started my shift. I'm here to take over from some of the men, what happened?" The paramedic put her hand on Susan's shoulder and tried to comfort her.  
  
"Abby's trapped. I think it's pretty bad." Susan was finding it harder and harder to fight the emotion.  
  
"Nurse Lockhart?" She looked as shocked as Susan had been. "What is she doing in there? Does the hospital know?"  
  
Susan suddenly remembered that in all the panic, she had forgot to tell her co-workers what was going on, although she was sure that they had some idea that something was up. "I forgot tell them."  
  
Susan started to make her way to the makeshift base that the fire crew had set up to see if anyone had a cell phone but Pickman stopped her.  
  
"Lets not panic them. Lets wait until we know exactly what is going on."  
  
Lewis nodded reluctantly and composed herself. She walked forward slowly to see what was going on with the rescue of her friend and gasped at what she saw.  
  
Susan suddenly clicked into medical mode and instantly forgot who the patient was. All her years of medical knowledge was rushing through her brain and the will to help, fuelled purely by adrenaline, took over.  
  
"Excuse me, sir. Excuse me." Susan pushed her way to the front of the crowd of fire-fighters who, only a moment ago had been shouting orders at each other and frantically doing their job, but were now still, not quite knowing where to go from here.  
  
"Move!" Susan yelled again. She got to the front and knelt down on the uneven ground and tried desperately not to let her building emotion overwhelm her and tried to focus on her job. While she knew, and was very conscious of the fact that it was not a very good idea to treat somebody you know in this kind of situation, who was there else to help?  
  
Abby was cleared of bricks and rubble as much as was safely possible but no one dared do any more for fear of doing more harm than good.  
  
The main portion of Abby's body that was visible was covered in gashes and bruises that, while they were big, were fairly superficial. But on injury stood out from the nurses almost lifeless body. Literally. It made Susan sick just looking at it. A sharp-edged, rusty metal rod, twisted an gnarled from the weight of the material that had fallen on top of it, was embedded deeply in Abby's abdomen and was wedged in tighter than anything Susan had said before. It must have had some serious weight on top of it for it to be in this state. Susan dreaded the extent of the internal injuries that it was bound to have caused.  
  
Thank God she was still alive. Susan could feel a pulse, which was weakening with every beat and short, laboured breaths that were infrequent and barely noticeable but never the less, still there.  
  
And while they were still there, there was a chance that Abby would live, and Susan vowed not to let her go without a fight.  
  
"This woman is in a lot of danger!" she yelled, the emotion she was keeping inside, evidently bursting out in one go. "We need to get her to hospital. Now!" 


	13. Jumping into action

Chapter 13  
  
"There you go Katie, all patched up." Chen was treating the girl, who was being hugged protectively by her very relieved father, and understandably so. She tried to stay calm, to hide the worry in her voice. It was bad enough treating complete strangers but when it was someone you know, someone you see and work with every day, the pain and the anguish you feel are multiplied.  
  
Chen stepped outside the curtain, knowing that the man in there would want time alone with his understandably upset and shaken daughter.  
  
All the emotion was starting to get to her but she was determined to keep working, knowing that if she slowed down, she woldn't be able to cope. She took a deep breath to compose herself. She turned around and caught a glimse of Carter, nervously pacing the corridor.  
  
It had been obvious for a long time, to her at least, that Carter had deep feelings for Aby and vise versa, even if they didn't realise it themselves. She couldn't begin to imagine what he was feeling.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Lydia, has that girl arrived yet?" Carter asked, with a sense of urgency in his voice.  
  
He found it hard to say anything at the moment, with out running the risk of loosing his composure.  
  
"Chen's working on her in curtain 2" she replied, but instantly regretted what she had just told him. "Dr. Carter..." she started to call after him but it made no difference and Lydia didn't really expect it to.  
  
"Chen, is that your patient in there?" he asked as she stepped out into the hall. He was just focused on finding out the truth, blinded from all logic and reasoning. He couldn't stand not knowing.  
  
"What?" Dr. Chen looked up from the patient's chart she had just taken off the rapidly growing pile on the desk, in an effort to keep things running, despite everyone's worry. No one really felt like doing a lot since word had spread about Abby and it was beginning to show. The large number of agitated patients and family members were not helping much either.  
  
"Carter, no" she said once she realised. No one was going to get in his way, Jimg-Mei knew. He had already pulled open the curtain.  
  
"Where's Abby?!" he demanded from the even more frightened little girl. He carried on, oblivious to the father's growing anger, like it was somehow her fault. On some level, it was. Abby went in to save her, but placing blame wasn't going to help Abby.  
  
"Carter!" Chen grabbed his shoulder and pulled him outside. He resisted her force and carried on. "Hey Malik, give me a hand!"  
  
Both of them forced him into the corridor. She really wanted to confront him, away from the stares of the patients and staff but he was frantic and she was having a hard time stopping him going back to Katie, who she could hear crying, even over Carter's shouts of protest.  
  
"Carter!" She grabbed him again and forced him to look her in the face. "Stop it! I know you're upset and worried about Abby, we all are. But yelling at a frightened little child isn't going to help. She doesn't know anyhting, all right? So just calm down."  
  
The doctor's emotion changed instantly and where, only a second ago, there was anger and aggression, lashing out at everyone around, there was now just pain and anxiety. Carter fell to his knees, his head in his hands, sobbing in front of everyone. Chan helped him up and ushered him into the lounge.  
  
What the hell could she say to him to calm his fears? Would anything help? She hoped, for Carter's sake, that Abby and Susan would get here soon.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Susan sat in the back of the tension filled ambulance on the agonising trip back to County General trying, rather unsuccessfully to forget who the patient was, lying helplessly in front of her. She had tried to help monitor Abby but the paramedic in the back with her had insisted she rest, and Susan didn't have the neergy of the inclination to argue.  
  
Susan knew that there wasn't anything anyone could do until they got back to the hospital but that knowledge really didn't help any when your friend and co-worker is lu=ying unconscious, close to death.  
  
Suan was staring down at the floor in a daze and it barely registered that someone was calling her name.  
  
"Dr. Lewis? Dr. Lewis!" The woman working on Abby gestured to the guy driving the vehicle, who was holding up the radio.  
  
He turned breifly, as they waited at traffic lights, and looked back at Susan, his eyes filled with sympathy. "I'm calling it in, do you want to say something?"  
  
Susan snapped back to reality, or as close to reality as anyone could hope to get in a situation like this, and reached forward. "Yeah, I'll do it." The guy nodded at her and pulled back into the moving stream of traffic.  
  
She took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself and took another look at their patient.  
  
"County General, this is unit 37, do you copy?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The staff in the ER milled around the admit desk, waiting for any news. although they were still in a state of shock and disbelief, they had had time to get as used to the idea as they could and the general mood of the department was calmer than it had been earlier that night. The patients and their families had, thankfully, picked up on the mood of the doctors and nurses and had stopped pestering people for treatment. There were still two or three people sitting in chairs drinking coffe, inwardly annoyed and impatient but understanding that there was something far more important going on.  
  
Behind the desk, people were quiet, only whispering when necessary. no one was really in a modd for conversation, every once in a while handing over a chart or some lab results, exchanging scilent nods or subdued smiles, in solumn recognition of how the other was feeling.  
  
Chen was comforting Carter in the lounge. everyone was glad that he wasn't around. No one would know quite what to say to him, frightened that he might loose it again after his outbust earlier.  
  
The scilence was broken as the MICN sparked to life and a shril beeping filled the air, making everyone jump. They all knew exactly who the voice on the other end belonged to and gave it their full attention.  
  
"Susan, this is Luka, go ahead." He grabbed the receiver off the counter and spoke into it with a calm, professional voice, no doubt betraying his true feelings.  
  
"We're coming in now guys, be prepared." Susan's voice was shaky and hesitant, so much so that th emagnitude of emotions were even evident over the crackley, unclear radio.  
  
"She's got a..." Susan was close to tears. "A deep penetrating wound to the lower right abdomen. BP's 80/40, pulse ox. 83."  
  
The nurses and doctors exchanged worried looks, knowing that that was dangerously low and they were going to have one hell of a fight on their hands.  
  
Susan carried on feeding them the information, in spite of the general feeling of nausea that was threatening to take over. "She's very weak, she's lost a lot of blood. Have 4 units standing by by and..." Luka cut her off.  
  
"Susan, we know the routine, don't worry." His voice was filled with understanding and remorse, after all, he knew what it was like to have people close to you die, and knew the feeling of not being able to do anything to help. 'But Abby's not going to die', he thought, 'and we will be able to help her.'  
  
"ETA?" he asked, all ready to leap into action.  
  
"About 10 minutes."  
  
All the staff gathered anxiously around Luka, imediatly deployed to do their jobs. 'Right' Luka though, replacing the reciever in it's holder, 'focus. We can save her if we try.' He had no doubt in his mind that similar thoughts were rushing through everyone else on the trauma team. They all wanted one thing: To save Abby. 


	14. Fight

Chapter 14  
  
"So, how are my happy- clappy ER gang this wonderful evening?" Romano walked out of the elevator down from the surgery floor, in his usual cheerful, sarcastic mood, oblivious to the drama that was unfolding.  
  
Dr. Romano noticed their expressions but still carried on in his usual, arrogant manner. "Come on, I know being stuck down here all day can't be much fun but..."  
  
As everyone stood there, not wanting to be the one to say anything, Yosh poked his head through the doors to the ambulance bay. "They're pulling up now." "Who?" Romano asked, looking around at his staff.  
  
They all looked nervously at their feet until Randi finally spoke up. "Dr. Lewis and Abby. Abby was in an accident."  
  
Robert looked embarrassingly around and tried to avoid eye contact with anyone as he went out to meet the ambulance without saying a word.  
  
* * *  
  
Luka opened the door to the staff lounge and looked meaningfully at Chen. She nodded knowingly back and pulled away from Carter who she was hugging over one shoulder and looked at him.  
  
"She's here now" she told him sympathetically. "You can come out if you like but you've got to keep it together."  
  
Carter sighed as more tears ran down his already red, blotchy, tear- streaked face and he nodded defiantly, trying to regain some strength. They both stood up silently and walked through the eerily quiet ER and out through the sliding doors.  
  
Most of the staff had gathered outside, as well as well as Elizabeth, the on-call surgeon and Romano, who had only come down to grumble at Kerry about something but now felt compelled to help in any way he could.  
  
Romano strode up to the back doors of the rig and opened them. He closed his eyes and grimaced at the sight.  
  
"What?" Carters eyes grew wide and his anxiety and worry multiplied when he saw his bosses reaction. "What's wrong with her?!" He barged through the crowd and resisted everyone's attempts to calm him down and restrain his struggles.  
  
He was finally stopped at the door of the ambulance by Romano. He was only a little man but had a lot of authority over everyone in the ER and people respected him even at times like this, whether they agreed with him or not.  
  
"I want to see her!" Carter yelled, and it took both Romano and Kovac to hold him back as Abby was wheeled out of the vehicle.  
  
"Oh my God." Carter stared in wide eyed shock at the pale, lifeless figure lying on the gurney. That couldn't be her. She was always so full of life, but at this moment, he had a hard time believing that there was any life left in her. Only the fact that the paramedics and is co-workers hadn't given up, told him that there was a chance she could be saved.  
  
Kerry walked to the front of the group of ER staff, huddled in the pitch black ambulance bay, just standing there staring, not believing what they saw and not knowing what to do next "All right. You all have to forget who this is. I know it must be difficult but she's still a patient and she still needs our help."  
  
Gallant started examining her. He stopped and hurriedly slung his stethoscope back round his neck. He caught sight of Carter, trying to struggle free of the doctor's grip and he was scared for both Abby and him. "Dr. Weaver" he stammered, his voice little more than a croaky whisper. "She's not breathing."  
  
* * *  
  
"Dr. Lewis?" Chuny came up behind the exhausted looking doctor and gently put a comforting hand on Susan's shoulder. "Are you OK?"  
  
Susan blinked an shook herself back to reality. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine" she replied in a bit of a daze, "go help Abby."  
  
Chuny nodded, reluctant to leave Susan on her own after such a traumatic event but went inside anyway. she felt, like every single other person working in the ER, that she had to do something to help Abby.  
  
Susan sat down on the bench by the wall and watched her colleagues urgently head down the corridor to Trauma one.  
  
For the first time she realized that this was deadly serious. Abby's life was in real danger, it might be already gone but Susan was too shocked for it to fully register. If she had only stopped Abby from going in. Hell, if she had insisted that she didn't need to come in the first place, none of this would be happening but she realized that, however much she wanted to, blaming herself would just make things worse.  
  
She leant back and rested her head on the cld, damp brick behind her. It was 11:15. She had been off duty for over 3 hours but there was no way she could go home, not while one of her friends could be dying. There was no chance in her sleeping anyway. She'd just be sitting alone, feeling guilty.  
  
Susan felt upset, angry, guilty, frightened. But she knew for certain that whatever she was feeling, Carter must be feeling a hundred times worse.  
  
* * *  
  
"OK! Lets get moving! "Romano ordered the ER staff around, taking over from Lizzie, who pulled off her gloves and got ready to prep the OR.  
  
Just what I need when I've got a mountain of paper work he thought, then felt bad that he was thinking of himself. He quickly brought himself back into lifesaving mode. He had to save this patient, regardless of who it was. He just had to save her "Hang 2 units of O neg. on the rapid infuser" he ordered, brusquely, forcing himself back into his job. "GCS of 3. She's had 100 cc's of saline in the field, give her 100 more and 3 of Atropine."  
  
The team went about they're tasks. Urgently, but at the same time, slowly, unable to put much more effort into the job when too much of their energy was already working overtime, just trying to make sense of what happened.  
  
Dr. Romano cursed under his breath. He was having trouble getting a line in and didn't know how long she could last without another IV. "Oh, this is hopeless!" He swore and threw the equipment he was using to one side in frustration. "I'll have to put in a central line. Pass me a scalpel." He paused, no reply. "Scalpel!"  
  
Lydia looked up, nearly close to tears and passed it to him, subdued. "Come on!" he practically yelled to snap them back to action, "Focus. I know you're all worried about who it is but you can't let your emotions get on top of you. You have to stay in control!"  
  
* * *  
  
Carter stood in the hall way, staring through the trauma room window in complete shock. Chen was standing behind him, soothingly rubbing his arm. Every nerve in his body screamed at him to do something to help. Chen had already had to stop him once. It wasn't rational for him to go charging in there, the state he was in but it didn't matter to Carter. How could he possibly be rational when the love of his life lay in there, close to death.  
  
As he stood there watching, through tired and frightened eyes at his work mates, feverishly working to save his best friends life, he would've given anything to be in her place. He struggled to hold back the tears that were stinging the back of his eyes, threatening to fall.  
  
What if she dies? he thought, What if loose her before I've truly found her? She'll die without knowing how I feel.  
  
"She's going to be fine, John" Chen said in a calm voice, as if she could read his mind. "You know how good they are at saving lives, she's going to be fine." Carter shook away from her grip and yelled in frustration and anxiety. "I need to do something to help!"  
  
"Carter, you know that's not possible." A hint of desperation was evident in Chen's voice. She knew that there was not really a lot she could do or say to prevent him from rushing into something he would regret. "You'll just get in the way."  
  
* * *  
  
"Dammit, stats. are dropping!" Luka exclaimed.  
  
"Pulse ox. is way down" a nurse told him. Romano didn't stop to see which one. "There's been trauma to the throat too, The larynx is swelling, I can't pass the tube" Luka said and raised his head, looking straight at the surgeon standing on the other side of the table. "Dr. Romano, do you want to do a tracheotomy?"  
  
Romano took a look at the monitor then back down at the patient, and took a split second to decide. "Yes. move out the way. Scalpel!" he ordered, not wanting to waste any more time.  
  
Luka looked at him questioningly. "Are you sure?" he asked, suddenly changing his mind, "isn't it a bit drastic?" He knew it was bad practice to change his mind so abruptly like that but he had to be sure.  
  
Romano snapped upright and looked at the Attending, disbelievingly. "No!" Romano replied, annoyed that Dr. Kovac would dare to question him. "Not if you ever want her to breathe again."  
  
The tone of the heart monitor changed, to signify that they were in the danger zone, and the room was filled with even more panic stricken faces. "Her pressure's dropping."  
  
"Shit!" Romano cursed aloud, "Suction now!" The surgeon had made the small incision into Abby's neck and blood had come gushing out at a far faster rate than was medically safe. "C'mon! I can't see a damn thing!" "Her stats. are still falling."  
  
"Bag her!"  
  
"Her airway's blocked, it won't make a difference."  
  
"Hurry Dr. Romano."  
  
"Hang on! I need more suction. She's loosing blood faster than we can give it to her." "She'd probably bleeding internally, we need to get her to the OR now!" Romano inserted the tube in place and the beeps immediately started to slow, but she was far from out of the woods yet.  
  
"OK, done! Hook her up to the respirator. Lets go!" 


	15. Falling into Danger

Soooooooooooo sorry it's been so long! I've had too much other stuff to do. I hope this chapter satisfies you! I was kinda stuck!! Hehe!  
  
Chapter 15  
  
"Lizzie, can you take her? I'll be up in a minute." He grabbed Elizabeth as he wheeled Abby out of the trauma room.  
  
Corday nodded and headed towards the elevator. Romano took a deep breath and leant on the admit desk, exhausted. He pulled off his gloves and chucked them in a nearby waste bin. "How's she doing, Boss?"  
  
Frank walked over to the surgeon and leaned on the counter, looking at him quizzically. Any other time he'd yell at the clerk for wasting his time and tell him strictly to get back to work but he didn't have the energy. Not now all this was happening.  
  
"Umm, she's on the way up to the OR now. She's not doing great but she's stable."  
  
Frank sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Someone told me she had a poll stuck through her abdomen?" Romano scowled at him. He took that to mean yes. "Oh, man. I bet Dr. Weaver's feeling terrible."  
  
Romano lifted his head and looked at the desk clerk questioningly. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Oh, she was going to go with Lewis but you called her away so she sent." Frank trailed off, suddenly realising he had just dropped her in it. Judging by the look on the surgeon's face, he hadn't the faintest clue that the accident was anything to do with work at all.  
  
Romano paused and took this in. He didn't say anything to the apologetic man he was just talking to, he just walked towards the elevator up to the surgery floor, but he obviously looked a bit angry.  
  
Frank stared after him. "Whoops."  
  
* * *  
  
"Lizzie, you started yet?" Romano called out, bursting through the doors to pre-op, calling out to his associate chief.  
  
"Robert, hurry up" came the muted reply, "I don't know how much longer she can remain stabilised!"  
  
Romano took a split second to absorb this. Any longer and he would've been wasting valuable time, and every second counted when Abby was in such a fragile state. The length he took to get ready could mean the difference between life and death.  
  
"Robert!"  
  
He turned around to see Elizabeth's panicked face staring back at him through the window into the OR. He quickly scrubbed in and was met by a nurse with a gown as he hurried through.  
  
"How's she doing?"  
  
Corday glanced over at the monitor and turned back to face him as he snapped his latex gloves on over the sleeves. "Her pressures low, she's had severe blood loss. God only knows what kind of damage was done inside."  
  
Romano breathed out heavily. He shook his head and stood up. "Let's go in and find out shall we?" He replied, in his usual business like manner. It was the only way he knew to cope.  
  
"Robert, you don't have to pretend like nothing's wrong." Elizabeth trailed off.  
  
"Dammit Lizzie! I'm fine! Give me a scalpel, and find some way to get rid of this damn pole!"  
  
* * *  
  
Carter sat in the doctor's lounge, staring at the wall. Chen stood by the lockers on the other side of the room. She didn't really know what to do. She couldn't decide whether she should go over and comfort him or leave him by himself. She felt completely useless.  
  
There was a knock on the door and Susan leaned round the door. "Can I come in?" she asked wearily. Jing Mei nodded.  
  
They both looked at Carter. He didn't even seem to acknowledge that there was someone else in the room. That's if he even heard her enter. Susan started to walk over to him.  
  
"I'll leave you alone" Chen whispered and left the room.  
  
Susan cautiously approached Carter and placed a hand lovingly on his shoulder. "How are you doing?"  
  
"Uh, I'm ok" Carter replied in numb shock. "How's Abby?"  
  
"Still in surgery. You need someone to talk to?"  
  
Carter lifted his head and looked at Susan uncertainly. "Uh, yeah. What happened? I mean, a paramedic explained it to me but."  
  
Susan looked at him sympathetically. "Sure." She sat down next to him and rested her hands in her lap. "What do you want to know?"  
  
"I, uh."  
  
Susan sensed his discomfort and jumped in. "We were checking on the injured.."  
  
* * *  
  
"Oh God, look at the mess." Corday spoke with anguish and worry. "It tore right through the stomach lining and punctured the liver."  
  
Romano shook his head. He leant further over the table and looked at the gaping wound in the nurse's torso. "Oh man, we're gonna be here for hours."  
  
Lizzie nodded but said nothing. No one spoke. They were all in too much shock to form coherent words. Everyone had been doing this long enough to get into a routine when treating people, but having one of your own lying in front of you meant all that self control flew out the window. Elizabeth gazed numbly at Abby.  
  
She was snapped out of it by Robert's frustrated yell. "Dammit! I hit an artery!"  
  
"Pressure's dropping!"  
  
Elizabeth stepped slowly back from the table in shock. "What the hell are you doing?" She heard Robert yell, "get your ass back here and help!"  
  
She couldn't bring herself to do it. In her mind she was right back there on Valentine's day. And that wasn't Abby lying on the table, it was Lucy. And just like then, she was helpless.  
  
Robert yelled again, but his words were jumbled and she couldn't concentrate she just mumbled something back and stood still. Everyone was hurriedly rushed around, frantically doing their jobs but she was rooted to the ground unable to move. Nurses were yelling stats at each other, trying to keep on top of the situation but they too blurred together.  
  
The next yell though, she heard loud and clear and the shrill beep of the cardiac monitor pierced her eardrums and made her silently scream.  
  
"V tach! We're loosing her! Dr. Corday! Come on!" 


End file.
